Me: There’s an art to cunnilingus just as there is an art to fellatio. Reed players are especially good at it.
Byrnes: What? They don’t even use their tongues that much. It’s all about the brass.
Me: When’s the last time you played?
Byrnes: Baby, that’s one skill that never goes away.
Byrnes: I think we took out the Internet with our sex.
Me: At this age, I’m already over the hill.
Mom: Really? But you’re so young.
Me: Yes. I’m in my most fertile years. I should already be having kids by now.
Alex: Twenty is about the right age.
Mom: So human fertility doesn’t look like t-distribution.
Dad: No. It’s more like chi-squared.
Mom: Alex wants to go to graduate school for neuropsychology but he doesn’t know where to apply yet.
Me: Once he figures out what about neuro that he likes, it’ll be easier to narrow down the choices. Cognitive, ev-bio, comparative ..
Mom: I’ve noticed that you two have very similar interests.
Me: We are your kids.
Dad: That’s right! [...]
Me: Finally back in Boston. Let’s get dinner.
Byrnes: Unfortunately the only food we can get at this hour is pizza or hot dogs.
Me: Sweetie, you know that I’m always up for some late night hot juicy sausage.
Me: Look! All those straight roads and little houses all the same size and color. It’s like they planned the layout of the city.
Byrnes: They kinda did. The Great Fire?
Me: They didn’t have to rebuild it that way. Boston can learn a few things from Chicago.
Me: Look! This is what I love about coming here. I can see the horizon. And so far into the distance! It’s beautiful.
Byrnes: Welcome to the South, Amber.
Me: But there are so few trees! I don’t know where I could nest overnight.
Dad: So is it “get out of my face” or “get off my face”?
Me: It’s “get out of my face”. “Get off my face” means something very different.
Dad: Wow. That’s so confusing. It’s an American thing, right?
Me: Yes, Dad. Totally is.
Trevor: But for now, dinner before I starve.
Amber: Oh fine. Eat for me. You can eat me, too. But you’re kinda far away.
Trevor: That is not propelling me towards dinner.
Mother: What is this? Going into labor is nothing like what you see on TV.
Me: That’s because TV has editors. I’m learning that working in a hospital is nothing like Grey’s Anatomy.
Doctor: Well, we can’t all be Dr. McSwoony.
