The Diane Rehm Show today had a segment on bipolar affective disorder (BAD). Ever since I was diagnosed with BAD last fall, I have been struggling to understand the disease. I have had two major breakdowns over the seven years in college—the first while I was at BU and the second just last year. While I know exactly what triggered those breakdowns, it is not possible to avoid completely the stressors in my life. I can’t avoid work. I can’t avoid people.
It is comforting to hear these stories. I feel connected with those people struggling daily with their ups and downs. I understand the confusion, the despair. I was never psychotic, but I know the overwhelming elation, excitability, impulsivity, and inability to concentrate, to think, to sleep. When up, I can take on the world. When down, on a good day, I don’t accomplish anything; on a bad day, I contemplate pain and death.
I still don’t have a handle on this. My life became busy with finals and the move. I forgot to take medication for over a month. After some reflection, it is obvious that the symptoms have resurfaced. I have recently began taking medication again, but I don’t want to. I don’t care. It has been hard to care.
The worst thing about life isn’t death. It’s this living hell where nothing is right, where no one can hear you, where there is nothing to look forward to.
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